English is the Only Language I Know and I Barely Understand it.

Listen closely to my mouth before I close it.

Because I am about to subject you to the study of a subject:


The English Language


Now before we take off on this journey,

We must shift out of park,

pull out of the driveway

and hop onto the parkway.


And as we progress with our progress,

I want to make sure you keep you mind off the shore,

Because I know the beach is beached on the sands of your consciousness.


So, focus, and think of me as your teacher who once often taught,

Like a preacher who once often praught.

Oh sorry, it’s obviously preached because praught wouldn’t be the logical deduction?


Moving forward to the foreward of my lesson.

If you want to avoid being a wise guy so you can be a wise man,

Follow these rules so you can one day rule the world:


  1. You must re-read things you have read before you can’t see red anymore.
  2. If you like crab, don’t think you’ll like crab-apples.
  3. L’oreal for kids shampoo protected against tears not tears.
  4. Refusing to eat food from a restaurant will often lead to refuse in your next plate.
  5. If you try to tie a knot but do not know how to tie a knot, all your efforts will be for naught.
  6. Someone claiming you’re an invalid is invalid.
  7. Do not eat hamburgers if you are Hindu. The package is lying to you.
  8. Being sick is not sick… unless you meant that you were sick *hand gesture*
  9. Like 75 percent of words don’t follow the i before e rule
  10. Quicksand is kinda’ slow.


So, as you can see, as clear as the caspian sea,

The English language is seriously messed up.


But before you notice that my feet smell,

And that my nose is starting to run.


Wait.. before you notice that my feet smell,

And that my nose is starting to run.


That doesn’t even…

Alright, fuck it.

Please consider learning another language.


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